Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!

Seriously, Etsy folks - I understand the allure of cheap sunglasses, a bedazzler and a dremel tool.  I do.  That's why I became an Optician.  But let me tell you something - there's a reason that they make us get licenses. One of those reasons is that we need to be aware of the materials that go on one's face, and the potential reactions that may happen when skin is exposed to inferior metals. Ever seen what happens to your finger under a cheap metal ring?  Yeah.  Guess what Nana's cheeks are going to look like tomorrow.

Also, maybe try drilling those holes evenly.  I mean, call me a snob, but yo.  I HAD to learn how to do that right.  That's kinda like playing basketball in your driveway and trying to get recruited to the NBA. You OBVS don't have what it takes, homie.  I hope to Sweet Baby Cheeses that those lenses are impact resistant, or you're going to have to explain to Nana why there's pieces of plastic in her corneas.

Put the dremel down, and back away with your hands in the air. Slowly.

(Major shout out to Helen Killer.  Without that bitch, I'd have nothing to blog about anymore.)

For a long-lost friend

You know, I'm sorry.  I really am.

I let you all down, and I let you down HARD. But it's ok, friends, I'm back. No more will you have to look in the mirror and think, 'What would that one lunatic on the internet say about my glasses?'  I'm here, and more opinionated than ever.

However, it's not all peaches and cream.  Oh, no.  Life can't be that easy.  No, it's become clear to me that there's something amiss in the optical fashion arena, and I place the blame squarely upon the soft, silky shoulders of American Apparel. And here is exactly why.

Look!  You can see it in her face that she hates those glasses.  But some moron that has no idea who Christa McAuliffe is decided that everyone should look like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, and now this poor girl is stuck trying to pretend that she's happy about looking like me in the 4th grade.

Stop it, younglin'.  It's not cool.  Dont' believe me?  Watch 9 to 5.  When Lily Tomlin looks hotter than Jane Fonda, you need to ask yourself why.  And the answer, babycakes, are those glasses.

See what happens when you wear cheap sunglasses?

You turn into ZZ Top.

This public service message has been brought to you by the letter Z and ihateyoursunglasses.com.

She's BAAA-AAAACK!!!

Hello, Interwebs.

I'm sorry I fell off so hard, but I'm back and in full effect, yo!

And I would like to present, for your disappointment, this gem (from the regretsy archives):

I think she should hook up with Mr. ChainMail. Sure, these are lots of fun - until you run your Hyundai Accent into a telephone pole because you had the edges of your grandma's sitting room pillows gorilla-glued to some busted safety frames.

She didn't even put the studs on evenly.  I had friends in the early '90s that would kick your motherlovin' ass for wasting studs like that!

Jesus H. Macy.  I need a drink.

Sorry guys

I know, I fell off harder than that penguin-hater dude.  But I'll be back!  And soon!  Eesh! 
 

Honorable mention: Stuff White People Like

I'm not alone! 

(Ed. note: I have a pair of actual, real-live VINTAGE B&L Wayfarers, ground scored at a Dave Matthews Band concert.  Irony's a bitch, no?)

Check these mothers out.

GaGag me

So I have to admit that pop music is not so much for me.  Don't get me wrong - I like a catchy tune as much as the next person, but nine times out of ten, I just end up singing along in a Cartman voice or changing the lyrics to Slayer songs.  So it's not like I'm one of those fashionista types that use words like 'ferosh' or wear ankle boots with peep-toes, you know what I mean? 

Also, I think it's a little silly that everyone and their emo half-cousin is wearing glasses designed after something called blinds, but Bjork is STILL getting clowned for that oh-so-awesome swan dress. So I feel that it is time for me to truly bash the queen of horrible eyewear - Lady Gaga herself. I mean, come on.

Nothing says 'I want to put this on my face' more than MOTHERSCRATCHING RAZOR BLADES, right?

 Or maybe 'my shit don't fit'...

 

Or even better, 'Oooh I think I'll wear these in the sun and see what it looks like when I take these off'.

Over it.  Totally and completely over it.  People, we NEED to stop trying to look like b-list fame seekers.  It's bad enough when you see someone with a Kate Gosselin haircut and Sarah Palin glasses at the same time... but this, people... this has GOT to stop.