Sorry guys

I know, I fell off harder than that penguin-hater dude.  But I'll be back!  And soon!  Eesh! 
 

Honorable mention: Stuff White People Like

I'm not alone! 

(Ed. note: I have a pair of actual, real-live VINTAGE B&L Wayfarers, ground scored at a Dave Matthews Band concert.  Irony's a bitch, no?)

Check these mothers out.

GaGag me

So I have to admit that pop music is not so much for me.  Don't get me wrong - I like a catchy tune as much as the next person, but nine times out of ten, I just end up singing along in a Cartman voice or changing the lyrics to Slayer songs.  So it's not like I'm one of those fashionista types that use words like 'ferosh' or wear ankle boots with peep-toes, you know what I mean? 

Also, I think it's a little silly that everyone and their emo half-cousin is wearing glasses designed after something called blinds, but Bjork is STILL getting clowned for that oh-so-awesome swan dress. So I feel that it is time for me to truly bash the queen of horrible eyewear - Lady Gaga herself. I mean, come on.

Nothing says 'I want to put this on my face' more than MOTHERSCRATCHING RAZOR BLADES, right?

 Or maybe 'my shit don't fit'...

 

Or even better, 'Oooh I think I'll wear these in the sun and see what it looks like when I take these off'.

Over it.  Totally and completely over it.  People, we NEED to stop trying to look like b-list fame seekers.  It's bad enough when you see someone with a Kate Gosselin haircut and Sarah Palin glasses at the same time... but this, people... this has GOT to stop. 

WANTx12

Oh, god.

Gimme.  Just... gimme.

F'reals... HELLO KITTY CONTACT LENSES!?!?!?!?  Yesyesyesyes!!  I am full-on 30 years old and will slap these beautiful babies right onto my eyeballs as fast as you can say 'rejuvenile'. 

SRSLYTHO.  This just made my WHOLE day!

(I know, I'm nuts.  But because I went far enough as to train to be an Optician, I feel *completely* justified in wearing all that eyewear shiz most people won't.  Mines!  These HAVE to be MINES!!!!)

Please, no. Please, dear god, no.

So today I got an email from a friend of mine... subject line read simply (and in all caps), 'GHASTLY'.  I opened it to to find:

Really, people... this?  No.  No.  Please don't make me put these on your face.  Or if you do, please make them look like this.

Honorable mention: sorryimissedyourparty.com

Oh, Broseph... I TOLD you about those Oakleys, didn't I?

Lame.

Back up off my chili fries, Ed Hardy

Oh, fashionistas. Please, stop.

If you're gonna spend THAT MUCH money to buy something that looks like a tattoo... get a f*cking tattoo.

Remember when Von Dutch flashed in the pan? None of you would be caught DEAD wearing it now. But Christian Audigier, the guy with his name splashed RIGHT UNDERNEATH Ed Hardy's on all that crap? Well... I hate to break it to you, but it's the same guy.

Back up off my style, hoochies. Put your bangs back down. Dear god, DO NOT wear Apple Bottom jeans with a five-inch cuff. And STOP PRETENDING THAT BUYING A $300 SHIRT WITH TATTOO CRAP BEDAZZLED ON IT IS THE SAME AS GETTING A F*CKING TATTOO. I've sat through twenty-plus hours of bleeding pain so far, and my half-sleeve isn't even done yet! It's not the same as walking outside of Nordie's so you can get cell reception to beg your mom to let you put that oversized shoulderbag on her AmEx. I promise.

And no, that one-color tramp stamp doesn't count.

You're just going through a phase. Put the Ed Hardy down and go back to Banana Republic.

Please.

(And Christian Audigier... unless you have a WICKED back piece under that overpriced t-shirt with your effing name on it.... you have some 'splaining to do.)