Stop it, stop it, STOP IT!

Seriously, Etsy folks - I understand the allure of cheap sunglasses, a bedazzler and a dremel tool.  I do.  That's why I became an Optician.  But let me tell you something - there's a reason that they make us get licenses. One of those reasons is that we need to be aware of the materials that go on one's face, and the potential reactions that may happen when skin is exposed to inferior metals. Ever seen what happens to your finger under a cheap metal ring?  Yeah.  Guess what Nana's cheeks are going to look like tomorrow.

Also, maybe try drilling those holes evenly.  I mean, call me a snob, but yo.  I HAD to learn how to do that right.  That's kinda like playing basketball in your driveway and trying to get recruited to the NBA. You OBVS don't have what it takes, homie.  I hope to Sweet Baby Cheeses that those lenses are impact resistant, or you're going to have to explain to Nana why there's pieces of plastic in her corneas.

Put the dremel down, and back away with your hands in the air. Slowly.

(Major shout out to Helen Killer.  Without that bitch, I'd have nothing to blog about anymore.)

For a long-lost friend

You know, I'm sorry.  I really am.

I let you all down, and I let you down HARD. But it's ok, friends, I'm back. No more will you have to look in the mirror and think, 'What would that one lunatic on the internet say about my glasses?'  I'm here, and more opinionated than ever.

However, it's not all peaches and cream.  Oh, no.  Life can't be that easy.  No, it's become clear to me that there's something amiss in the optical fashion arena, and I place the blame squarely upon the soft, silky shoulders of American Apparel. And here is exactly why.

Look!  You can see it in her face that she hates those glasses.  But some moron that has no idea who Christa McAuliffe is decided that everyone should look like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, and now this poor girl is stuck trying to pretend that she's happy about looking like me in the 4th grade.

Stop it, younglin'.  It's not cool.  Dont' believe me?  Watch 9 to 5.  When Lily Tomlin looks hotter than Jane Fonda, you need to ask yourself why.  And the answer, babycakes, are those glasses.